Australian humor

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Actual responses on an Australian Tourism- webpage: Tourism Humor. 

Bob the builder was going through a house he had just built with the woman who owned it. She was telling him what colour to paint each room.
They went into the first room and she said „I want this room to be painted a light blue.“ The builder went to the front door and yelled „GREEN SIDE UP!“
When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be bright red. The builder went to the front door and yelled „GREEN SIDE UP!“
When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be tan. The builder went to the front door and yelled „GREEN SIDE UP!“
When he came back, the lady was pretty curious, so she asked him „I keep telling you colours, but you go out the front and yell green side up; what is that for?“
The builder said, „Oh don’t worry about that, I’ve got a couple of Australians laying the turf out front.“ 


The Kiwi left work on Friday afternoon and instead of going home he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending his paycheck.
When he finally appeared home on Sunday night he was confronted by a very irrate and angry wife. She went on for two hours about his irresponsible actions.
Finally she stopped nagging and simply said, „How would you like it if you didn’t see me for about 2-3 days?“ To which he replied, „Fuck suits me fine!“
Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife.
Tuesday went by and he still didn’t see his wife.
Wednesday came and went and he still didn’t see his wife.
On Thursday the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.


Everyday, a hen owned by a maori man would lay an egg in his garden which was used his daily breakfast. One day, he looked into his garden only to find that the hen laid her egg in the Samoan’s garden.
He was about to go next door when saw the Samoan rush out of the house to pick up the egg for himself. The Maori ran up to the Samoan and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.
The Samoan disagreed because the egg was laid on his property. They argued for a while until finally the Maori said, „In Aotearoa we normally solve disputes by the following method. I kick you in the nuts and time how long it takes you to get back up, and then you kick me in the nuts and time how long it takes me to get up. Whoever gets up the quickest wins the egg.“
The Samoan thought for a moment and noticed that the Maori was only wearing barefeet. He then looked at his own feet, which boasted a shiny pair of new Nike Basketball boots.
He quickly agreed to resolve the dispute, „Maori Style“.
The Maori took a few steps back and kicked the Samoan in the balls as hard as he could. The Samoan fell to the ground clutching himself and howled in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually, the Samoan stood up and said; „Now it’s my turn to kick you.“
The Maori shrugged his shoulders and said, „Nahh, you can keep the egg!“ 


An Englishman goes to Australia with his wife; they stay in a 5 star hotel and hire a Limo for the day. While driving along the road, his wife asks: „Look! What is that man doing with that kangaroo?“
The man replies, „My God! Don’t look, it’s disgusting!“
Further down the road the wife says, „Look, another one!“ and the husband says: „Disgusting! I shall report this when we get back to the hotel.“
They arrive back at the hotel only to find a man with one wooden leg having a wank on the steps of the hotel. The husband charges in and says to the manager: „Look, we come here in good faith, to stay in your 5 star hotel and what happens? We are driving down the road and we come across a drover in copulation with a kangaroo. Further on, recurrence of the same thing. Then we get back here only to find a man with one wooden leg, masturbating on your front steps. Well, what do you have to say about that?“
The manager says: „‚S’truth mate, you expect a man with one wooden leg to catch his own kangaroo?“ 


An Australian travel writer, touring Canada, was checking-out of the Hilton. As he paid his bill, he asked the manager, „By the way, what’s with the Indian chief sitting in the lobby? He’s been there ever since I arrived.“
„Oh! That’s ‚Big Chief Forget-me Not‘,“ said the manager. „The hotel is built on an Indian reservation and part of the agreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises for the rest of his life. He’s known as ‚Big Chief Forget-me Not‘ because of his phenomenal memory. He is 92 and can remember even the slightest detail of his life.“
The travel writer took this in and as he was waiting for his cab decided to put the chief’s memory to the test. „G’day mate!“ said the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return. „What did you have for breakfast on your 21st birthday?“
„Eggs,“ was the chief’s instant reply, without even looking up and indeed the Aussie was impressed. He went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to the east coast and back, telling others of ‚Big Chief Forget-me Not’s‘ great memory.
On his return to the Hilton six months later, he was surprised to see ‚Big Chief Forget-me Not‘ still sitting in the lobby, fully occupied with whittling away on a stick.
Remembering that one local had informed him that ‚How‘ was a more appropriate greeting for an Indian chief rather than ‚G’day‘, the Aussie greets him with, „How?“
„Scrambled,“ replied the Chief. 


Question: How does a New Zealand man find a sheep in long grass?
Answer: Pleasurable!


Question: Do you know why they raised the minimum drinking age in New Zealand to 32?
Answer: They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.


A new law was recently passed in New Zealand so that when a couple gets divorced, they’re still brother and sister.


A Queenslander is drinking in a West Aussie bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everyone in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Queenslander just shrugs, „That’s about average in Queensland folks. My boy is a typical Queensland baby boy.“
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of „WOW“! were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, „Say, you’re the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody’s been making bets about how big he’d be in two weeks. We were going to call you; so how much does he weigh now?“
The proud father answers, „Seventeen pounds.“ The bartender is puzzled and concerned. „What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born.“
The Queensland father takes a slow swig from his XXXX, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bar and proudly says, „Had him circumcised.“ 


THE RURAL AUSTRALIAN DICTIONARY OF COMPUTER TERMINOLOGY

• Log On – Make the barbecue hotter
• Log Off – The barbecue is too hot
• Monitor – Keeping an eye on the barbecue
• Download – Get the firewood off the ute
• Hard drive – Trip back home without any cold tinnies
• Floppy Disc – What you get lifting too much firewood at once
• Keyboard – Where you hang the ute and bike keys
• Window – What you shut when it’s cold
• Screen – What you shut in the mosquito season
• Byte – What mosquitoes do
• Bit – What mosquitoes did
• Mega Byte – What Townsville mosquitoes do
• Chip – A bar snack
• Micro Chip – What’s left in the bag after you have eaten the chips
• Modem – What you did to the lawns
• Dot Matrix – Old Dan Matrix’s wife
• Laptop – Where the cat sleeps
• Software – Plastic knives and forks you get at McDonald’s
• Hardware – Real stainless steel knives and forks from K Mart
• Mouse – What eats the grain in the shed
• Mainframe – What holds the shed up
• Web – What spiders make
• Web Site – The shed or under the veranda
• Cursor – The old bloke who swears a lot
• Search Engine – What you do when the ute won’t go
• Yahoo – What you say when the ute does go
• Upgrade – A steep hill
• Server – The sheila at the pub who brings out the counter lunch
• Mail Server – The bloke at the pub that brings out the counter lunch
• User – The neighbour who keeps borrowing things
• Network – When you have to repair your fishing net
• Internet – Complicated fish net repair method
• Netscape – When fish manoeuvres out of reach of net
• Online – When you get the laundry hung out
• Off Line – When the pegs don’t hold the washing